addicted to
i'm not here to win
i'm here to leave a legacy
on the way down
it's the passion that drives you
endorphins
pain
exhaustion
chasing this insane dream
perfection
tagboard ;
guestbook
there's no more air
trippin' over myself
goin' nowhere
__waiting
__suffocating
no direction
stop. stop. stoppppp!
right now.
-slams head into door-
can't control myself anymore...
lost myself.
totally gone.
goneeeeeeeeee.
realised i haven't been able to concentrate on anything since school nats.
track nats to be more specific.
which shows that i haven't gotten over my
stupidspasticidioticirritatingshittycrap
` f a i l u r e
well, it wasn't only that.
but...
the fact that when i tried to pick myself up after that...
my dad turned his back on me.
sort of.
he changed direction,
my direction.
forcefully...very forcefully.
he left me with questions...so manyy.
then i realised that my dad was tired of me failing
but what he didn't understand was that,
i had reasons.
i could actually change forgoodnesssakes
but no?
nonono.
it's all big and clear,
NO MORE RUNNING.
has to be some bloody thing different.
fine.
i didn't give up.
i persisted.
i tried.
i just ran.
and ran.
and ran.
more than i had ever done before.
i was HAPPY.
actually HAPPY.
but *poof.
gone.
i got sick
4 days down?
ok, i got up.
no way, i couldn't get up cos,
i got stupid sick again
i thought my family was behind me.
but? NONONO.
no way.
i just got shouted at every other hour.
home was living hell.
LIFE was living hell.
nobody understood...
all i was : wrong
everything i did was wrong
just when i thought nike real run and osim tri would get me back up.
nike real run - sick
osim tri - late in registering
so?
my stupid conclusion is that...
i'm a idiotic jinxed idiot.
who can't get a single thing right.
i mean HELLO?
look at this:
last yr sch nats - sick
this yr sch nats - bloody busy year, sick 2 weeks b4, phone stolen during (mental downhill)
i'm just a failure...
so say cheese and kill me.
looking at my handphone already jolts back memories.
of that dayyyyyyyyyy.
that STUPID day.
i'd really much rather not have a phone.
seriously.
can't take the memories.
the guilt.
it's still there...
and i know it.
i'm just a guilty jinxed mistake...
anyway,
now i can't concentrate on anything.
i can't balance my time
i know 99% of me has given up.
too much
the theory? the house maintenance? the grandmother?
whatever.
stopbuggingme.